26 March 2013


Some may be lucky in love, some it is just so hard like they want to give up.

It is rezeki. Like some may be rich, some may be so-so and some is poor. I believe that God is fair in everything. You might be lucky in your career but messed up with your love life. Or you might have a very good relationship with family and friends but you found yourself hard to juggling with studies. It is just the matter of time that we will realize that things are actually fair to all people. And if we see perfection in a person, it is may be they are good at embrace positiveness in their life and God helps them to hide the weaknesses in them. Nothing is ever perfect accept Him. 

I can't be thankful enough cause I can see I am dealing well with life now. Or maybe the workloads are getting heavier and I just don't want to give a damn anymore. Decided to stay at hostel even how scary this place can be is never a mistake (or not for now). 

- I rarely have a bump with my floormates 
- The aisle is dead spooky actually
- I think there is a small forest near to the toilet which makes it feels eerie if I need to go to the toilet middle of the night
- I saw goat, chicken and boar near to that small forest
Wait, is it a forest? :/
- Oh, I am living at the ground floor and I don't like it as the security level is low compared to other levels
- My window view is a big box of water tank - which I once imagined a 'girl' will be as same high as that box standing there - and I never open the curtain during the night eversince

Well, each time there is someone sending me back to my block they will ask, why so far. But believe me this place is so quiet like you can sleep the whole day without any disturbance, unless if the weather is F hot. I don't know why, but I woke up just now because I'm sweating and it is dead hot!

Well, perfection is never going to be a human right. To boast on what you have is not a good idea cause He borrowed this life and everything that we have temporarily so appreciate each of it and be grateful.

Till next time. x.o.x.o

p.s: If life gives you hardship, be hardcore to deal with it.

15 March 2013


Being stupid for a person is normal, especially when we define it as love. Honestly, what is the real definition of love? It is vary according to the needs and how people interpret it. 

I have been gone through many breaking up phase, and I would say I miss to have those excessively sad emotions cried over the night, being stupid for still care and all. But at the end of day, it is actually a refresh button of my life. You will realize how much you have less love yourself or your family and things that actually important.

Why at the first place a thing you called love manage to end after years you have build the feeling, trust and a bond between two strangers? 

Why the bond between the strangers can be so fragile and suddenly we start to be a stranger again? Epic.And when I give a serious deep about it, why it must be so weak until what I suppose to called 'we' previously not manage to fix. 

And people might say, why become a stranger when you can still remain friends? Let me get this thing clear, I tried, and at the end of the day I found myself drown in one phase I called melancholic and I see myself lingering at the memories more than the recent things - how a Master's student and not to mention mature enough woman can be this stupid? Fuck what ever I ever called it love. Fuck memories.

I convince myself that Allah knows better, I convince myself thing are in control - which who's the heck controlling your emotions if not yourself. It is just how you think that amplify your feeling. 

Case 1, I think of what's future will bring me if I am being with him, and I found myself curling crying on myself on the bed.
Case 2, I stop thinking of that and get up to do my assignment, even the productivity is slow but I manage to get it done and manage to distract myself.

I tried both, and even a kid knows the second case is more wise. 

You know, it is hard, in fact I still pissed of with myself each time I found myself have the uncontrollable hurt feelings deep in me. But what is more powerful than zikirrulah? I still remember how my mom tried to make a baby sleep by making zikir as a lullaby - the peace feeling at that moment. I tried it to myself, and the peace in heart strikes. I miss my mom. :-)

Honestly, it is hard. I found myself do few stupid things. But I take it as a learning process. It is seriously a refresh button. And I started to build new things in me. I am targeting to get good results for second semester. Learn Germany, who knows I manage to further my PhD level for free at Germany? Zzzzz.

Wanna pimp my hair like I usually do back then and live life. 

Till then!