15 March 2013


Being stupid for a person is normal, especially when we define it as love. Honestly, what is the real definition of love? It is vary according to the needs and how people interpret it. 

I have been gone through many breaking up phase, and I would say I miss to have those excessively sad emotions cried over the night, being stupid for still care and all. But at the end of day, it is actually a refresh button of my life. You will realize how much you have less love yourself or your family and things that actually important.

Why at the first place a thing you called love manage to end after years you have build the feeling, trust and a bond between two strangers? 

Why the bond between the strangers can be so fragile and suddenly we start to be a stranger again? Epic.And when I give a serious deep about it, why it must be so weak until what I suppose to called 'we' previously not manage to fix. 

And people might say, why become a stranger when you can still remain friends? Let me get this thing clear, I tried, and at the end of the day I found myself drown in one phase I called melancholic and I see myself lingering at the memories more than the recent things - how a Master's student and not to mention mature enough woman can be this stupid? Fuck what ever I ever called it love. Fuck memories.

I convince myself that Allah knows better, I convince myself thing are in control - which who's the heck controlling your emotions if not yourself. It is just how you think that amplify your feeling. 

Case 1, I think of what's future will bring me if I am being with him, and I found myself curling crying on myself on the bed.
Case 2, I stop thinking of that and get up to do my assignment, even the productivity is slow but I manage to get it done and manage to distract myself.

I tried both, and even a kid knows the second case is more wise. 

You know, it is hard, in fact I still pissed of with myself each time I found myself have the uncontrollable hurt feelings deep in me. But what is more powerful than zikirrulah? I still remember how my mom tried to make a baby sleep by making zikir as a lullaby - the peace feeling at that moment. I tried it to myself, and the peace in heart strikes. I miss my mom. :-)

Honestly, it is hard. I found myself do few stupid things. But I take it as a learning process. It is seriously a refresh button. And I started to build new things in me. I am targeting to get good results for second semester. Learn Germany, who knows I manage to further my PhD level for free at Germany? Zzzzz.

Wanna pimp my hair like I usually do back then and live life. 

Till then! 


kawan ko said...

there's one quote that goes like this:

"Those who are bonded shall find each other even when separated by a thousand kilometers",
"Those who are not shall be strangers even when meeting everyday"

So, focus on what you are doing right now & wait for me =)