October 4th

“You wrote down all these things to say goodbye to, but so many of them are good things. Why not just say goodbye to the bad things? Say goodbye to all the times you felt lost, to all the times it was a ‘no’ instead of a ‘yes’, to all the scrapes and bruises, to all the heartache? Say goodbye to everything you really want to do for the last time.”

—	Lily Aldrin (HIMYMS09E03)

It turned out I watched How I Met Your Mother and Lily's speeches really gives me a wake up call. If you know me, you know how much I really tried to embrace positiveness in life. But I regret that I have a problem that I actually avoiding things that tend to makes me feel miserable.

I said goodbye to the bad things but I realize that I always stay in my safe zone without making a first step to move forward. Which I shall say, it ain't something I am proud off. And honestly, I actually hating myself now. 

Anyway, life have been treating me well. I have great colleagues at work, hang out darling babes (which we spent hours wechat-ing sometimes) and an awesome mate who always makes me feel good. Besides of my parent la - they are always my backbone. I shall not have a hang out people at bar like HIMYM friendship, but with the existence of these people - i am blessed enough. And I do miss my close friends during my undergraduate.

Besides, currently I really do enjoying this

But honestly, I am more eager to be the person behind the false color camera. Demmit, the outcome sometimes does makes me hyped! 

And for my October fitness challenge, which, please wish me good luck. Here is the abs challenge! Did I tell you that now I am obsess with the girls in gym and the woman in abs? It is sexier rather than to have a fake operated boobs. Anyone wants to buy me exercise mat? Blerghhh have been eyeing for one since forever already.

September have been treated me hectically and depressingly especially when it comes to thesis writing, but the rain has gone I shall see the rainbow hopefully this month, in shaa Allah. May October will be a pleasant month.

Till then, Assalammualaikum  

Tioman Catch Up

Because I miss the sea breeze.

Hence, I see the pictures of it. Tioman Island. :)

Well, since the first time I've been there, I know I am in love. In fact I fell in love so hard until I can't stop myself to go there every year. And it's been three years now.

First time I been there is with my colleague. It was fun because all of us is like a family. We eat, snorkel, play cards, talks, play volley ball, bbq - honestly it was a very fun trip. I spent hours at the beach even during the night time just to appreciate the view. 

A hang out spot around Salang Indah. Anyway, I miss that long long hair!

The kids. My favorite. :)

The thing that is the best is we all have our own boat just for us, no other tourist :)

Look at the water! It is crystal clear you can even see the fish!

So much of the tired Diana. Selfieee

We're staying at Salang! Who have been here must know this.

My sarcasm mentor! He is gone - missing! 

So it was on April 2011. Salang Indah. The place is happening even at night. The accommodation is good but don't expect a 4 stars hotel, you obviously at an island.So I shall say, expect the least.

Somewhere in May 2012, I renew my love towards Tioman. This time is with my bestfriend since highschool staying at Nipah, my friend's chalet. I basically stops at Genting and ride a boat to Nipah and it took 15 minutes. But I tell you, it is worth the stay at Nipah. That place is a definition of peace and freedom.

The best thing is, no phone reception. I don't even mind about my phone and all. And that place is so quiet, hardly to hear annoying sounds I live in the sound of the waves and the sea breeze is so refreshing. Highly recommended to those who want to have a break from their hectic life. The thing that I like is here besides of the peacefulness is, they have a river connected to the sea. I tell you, swim in a river/sea is one thing but swimming between it, ya Rabbi, best gila! Not too hot and not too cold. But mind the taste of the water la kan. 

See, isn't this a beauty?

We are enjoying swimming in the afternoon I tell you. 

During the low tide can take good photo at that location. Psstt, with good lighting I tell you.

I can sit here reading for the whole day. Or week.

Wind chimes. Ahhh I love the blue sky too!

Abbas my man! You can meet him if you go there. If you baik with him, he can bring you to a good place at Genting. And I tell you that place is so unique.

My BFF. Always. :)

Last day! 

So, I can say Nipah is a great place to run from hectic life. And that place is not crowded with people like Genting and Salang. So you can use the space to sun bathing without people make faces and all. But if you like to mingle and meet new people, this place is not gonna fit you.

And, I have been to Tioman last August with my family. Abah keeps wonder why I am so eager to go every year so this time he decided to go together. Which I am so glad to hear that. As I am going with my parent, I decided to stay at Salang Beach Resort as Salang Indah are fully booked. Compared between 2 of this place, Salang Indah is much better as it is near to the center part of Salang. 

The parent. My back bones all along. 

Makcik

You even can see the fish from the jetty

Can't help it not to love this place. Someday someday I see you again. Ohh, maybe another thing that I like about Tioman is because I think this place is cheap, compared to any other island in Malaysia. I usually spend less than 300MYR, i think. 

So till then!

x.o.x.o

So much of Eid and life

Eid this year is the most tiring one compared to the previous years. And it turns out weirdly when most of the people i knew is not well during the eve. Somehow, nothing much to share, i am glad that i manage to gather with my families and close friends. In shaa Allah i still breathing for next year celebration, with my fiance' or husband perhaps? Aherherher

For the last previous weeks i have been tested with a greatest test among all. And i realized that i had so much more to learn to prepare and to achieve. I finally come to a conclusion that i actually a failure at the current moment. My thesis for master is a trash and well i seems like lost track on everything. I do nothing everyday. I thought i think but actually i also don't have any idea on what is on my mind. Alhamdulillah i am sorted out a bit now.

Sometimes this kind of test teaches us to be more wise and realize on things that we seldom overlooked. 

What doesn't kill you make you stronger. I am grateful cause i finally come to my sense now. If this are called as sense, i hope i can remain this way for long. Hopefully whatever pain that i have now will diminish over time. Oh, this guilt also must go within it. Gotta stand for myself too. 

As for now, lets focusing on what i want to achieve in life. 

x.o.x.o

Marriage, No?

Nowadays, I don't feel like getting married. Like really not going to get married, forever.

We might think that marriage is something sacred, something that really true and something forever. 

But I don't know, it is either I just see it now or people nowadays are really out of control. Divorce are all over the newspaper - especially for the famous people (not included random people). Yeah, as much as people get married, there are some groups of married people are in turmoil - and they ended up by divorce. I still don't think it is normal.

I still loathe to see married people being all lovey dovey with other person besides of their spouse. I mean like, where is the loyalty? Where is the sacred of the marriage? Where is the vow of taking care of each other? Where all the love that previously that exist between them - gone?

Is there someone or something that we can put the blame to if ever it is happening?

Love is weird. How come we can fall in love over and over again with different people but we can't fix the love that used to be there all along but somehow it gone nowhere as it is an everyday routine.

I think marriage is a responsibility. But to get married with someone you love - it is a bless.

So it is a lifetime responsibility. As for women, yes we need to prepare the needs of the husband. Make sure things are in place and be a understanding companion when the husband had a rough day working. Yet, after years of being a wife - a mom - some women forgets to take care of themselves. They wear improper clothes, had a bad hair day everyday and being the messy self of herself when they're at home. Which somehow, the husband will only see the crapiest part of us - which it may lead to had an attraction to another woman. So yeah, how busy we are - women must take care of our appearance.

For men, I don't want to be a judgmental but I expect them to understand that we women work hard to provide the best for home. If you have a loyal wife - good cook - manage to take care of your children - appreciate them more. It is easy to find a companion but it is hard to find a soulmate - the one that sacrifice their everything to a family. 

No one is good in that except your wife/mother. If you didn't believe it, look at your mother. How much she had gone through for the family. 

Getting married is ain't easy. Even when I look at my parent and see how the differences between them - which I can't put myself in that condition yet. I mean, give and take like for 27 years? And what if I need to deal with rejection over and over again? Emm, the fact that possibility of arguing but still ended up need to sleep next to him. Errr another consideration. 

But I want baby! Why Keek have so much of cute babies there?! I really want one. But the fact that kids growing up and another responsibility of coloring a person - as it is a parental job - well, i put an excuse to that too. 

Argh. I hate growing up!

So the moral of this entry is, marriage is ain't easy. And once you get married, please make it work till you die. People nowadays easily giving up with love, they don't know what is the definition of fixing anymore - even if they are a surgeon or an engineer. (as surgeon work with healing body organ and engineer good at fixing things, LOL)

Till then, Assalammualaikum. 

p.s: I am getting older and that is why my entry is getting bored. Ergh.

26032013

Some may be lucky in love, some it is just so hard like they want to give up.

It is rezeki. Like some may be rich, some may be so-so and some is poor. I believe that God is fair in everything. You might be lucky in your career but messed up with your love life. Or you might have a very good relationship with family and friends but you found yourself hard to juggling with studies. It is just the matter of time that we will realize that things are actually fair to all people. And if we see perfection in a person, it is may be they are good at embrace positiveness in their life and God helps them to hide the weaknesses in them. Nothing is ever perfect accept Him. 

I can't be thankful enough cause I can see I am dealing well with life now. Or maybe the workloads are getting heavier and I just don't want to give a damn anymore. Decided to stay at hostel even how scary this place can be is never a mistake (or not for now). 

- I rarely have a bump with my floormates 

- The aisle is dead spooky actually

- I think there is a small forest near to the toilet which makes it feels eerie if I need to go to the toilet middle of the night

- I saw goat, chicken and boar near to that small forest

Wait, is it a forest? :/

- Oh, I am living at the ground floor and I don't like it as the security level is low compared to other levels

- My window view is a big box of water tank - which I once imagined a 'girl' will be as same high as that box standing there - and I never open the curtain during the night eversince

Well, each time there is someone sending me back to my block they will ask, why so far. But believe me this place is so quiet like you can sleep the whole day without any disturbance, unless if the weather is F hot. I don't know why, but I woke up just now because I'm sweating and it is dead hot!

Well, perfection is never going to be a human right. To boast on what you have is not a good idea cause He borrowed this life and everything that we have temporarily so appreciate each of it and be grateful.

Till next time. x.o.x.o

p.s: If life gives you hardship, be hardcore to deal with it.

150313

Being stupid for a person is normal, especially when we define it as love. Honestly, what is the real definition of love? It is vary according to the needs and how people interpret it. 

I have been gone through many breaking up phase, and I would say I miss to have those excessively sad emotions cried over the night, being stupid for still care and all. But at the end of day, it is actually a refresh button of my life. You will realize how much you have less love yourself or your family and things that actually important.

Why at the first place a thing you called love manage to end after years you have build the feeling, trust and a bond between two strangers? 

Why the bond between the strangers can be so fragile and suddenly we start to be a stranger again? Epic.And when I give a serious deep about it, why it must be so weak until what I suppose to called 'we' previously not manage to fix. 

And people might say, why become a stranger when you can still remain friends? Let me get this thing clear, I tried, and at the end of the day I found myself drown in one phase I called melancholic and I see myself lingering at the memories more than the recent things - how a Master's student and not to mention mature enough woman can be this stupid? Fuck what ever I ever called it love. Fuck memories.

I convince myself that Allah knows better, I convince myself thing are in control - which who's the heck controlling your emotions if not yourself. It is just how you think that amplify your feeling. 

Case 1, I think of what's future will bring me if I am being with him, and I found myself curling crying on myself on the bed.

Case 2, I stop thinking of that and get up to do my assignment, even the productivity is slow but I manage to get it done and manage to distract myself.

I tried both, and even a kid knows the second case is more wise. 

You know, it is hard, in fact I still pissed of with myself each time I found myself have the uncontrollable hurt feelings deep in me. But what is more powerful than zikirrulah? I still remember how my mom tried to make a baby sleep by making zikir as a lullaby - the peace feeling at that moment. I tried it to myself, and the peace in heart strikes. I miss my mom. :-)

Honestly, it is hard. I found myself do few stupid things. But I take it as a learning process. It is seriously a refresh button. And I started to build new things in me. I am targeting to get good results for second semester. Learn Germany, who knows I manage to further my PhD level for free at Germany? Zzzzz.

Wanna pimp my hair like I usually do back then and live life. 

Till then! 

Over think much

It is the beginning of my second semester. Which then I realize, I did nothing during mid semester break. I read few novels and sleep and watch drama with mom - mostly I spend the hours at home.

Well, at least I am enjoying myself doing nothing for almost 3 weeks. Which I never ever EVER gonna get that when I started with my career later on. One more semester to break my leg which it is going to be tougher as I have laboratory work to get done for my final project. Regarding pavement material which honestly, I am kinda into traffic management now. Hurm. 

Life is getting better. Or maybe there is some changes that makes me feel more ease in things that happen to me. And due to all those unpleasant things that happen to me - I can't stop myself from buying a motivational book. Woman Who Think Too Much : How to Break Free of Overthinking and Reclaim Your Life. 

Honestly, I am a overthinker person.

I spent few minutes before sleep wondering, considering, juggling things that happen to me. Sometimes I found myself in a depression. Worst, it dragged to my sleep and I found myself in a bad mood when I woke up the next day. And the cycle goes.

I usually picked what to wear tomorrow. Or if I'm going to travel, I probably will pack my things a week before. I may seem nothing, but I do the thinking even for the crappiest thing. Oh, and I am such a planner. And it stressing me out when my plan doesn't fall as I wanted. 

When I had an issue with anyone such as argument or misunderstanding, I probably will think about it over and over again. Somehow it plays in repeat like a video. And I non stop thinking why, why, why.  

It is not healthy.

Hopefully the book might help me to overcome my problem. Somehow, I still looking for another motivational book from Yasmin Mogahed, Reclaim Your Heart. By reading at the reviews as she is a good speaker, most of the readers are satisfied with the book. MPH City Square don't have the stock, if I still can't find it after I'm done with the novels, gonna buy it from MPHonline which I think it is so convenient!

Honestly, I am not sure either I have the time to read. 

Till then. Assalammualaikum

#220113

Due to finals and the stress along my projects and assignment, I have acted irrationally which the consequences affected me and those who are close to me.


Somehow during my downfall, I realized that there are always few person that is actually there for me. And more importantly He always there. I can't believe myself, why I always forgot that actually He is always there knows what actually deep in my heart. Why I always forget to appreciate and being grateful with this life?


So I may conclude that everything that I have now is something I borrowed from Him. Somehow, this irrational act of mine make me realized everything. It seems like a wake up call to me. And In Shaa Allah I will take this positively trying to be more wiser in future. Rather than based on my emotion status.


And finally, I am done with my first semester. Which I honestly appreciate each and every knowledge that I've gained here. Include friends who always helped me with the assignments and my studies. With Allah's will, I will perform better for my second semester. I will make sure I will graduating this year along with my dear friend Azizul. It is such a coincident that we apply for master at the same year - or maybe He already knew that I won't survive alone so He prepared me a very good friend with me. Why not to love my life?


During this 3 weeks of no class and no other commitments, I've decided to stay home do some reading, enjoying drama with mom and maybe an activities that I will named as #yamchatime! Which it will be started today. Oh not to forget, my operation to gain weight and have a healthy life style. Best of luck miss, very best of luck.


Till then, Assalammualaikum.

Cakap vs Buat

Sebab cakap mudah kalau dibandingkan dengan buat.

Sebab kena faham konsep, fikir dulu sebelum cakap. Ramai pesan, belajar rajin-rajin sebab setahun je sambung Master ni, main-main tolak tepi jauh-jauh, fokus jangan main. Tapi, percaya tak, nak dapatkan sehari atau mungkin 8 jam berkesan tanpa main main adalah payah. 

Terdistract kena panggil makan,

terdistract tengok instagram (padahal dah beriya deactivate twitter dengan facebook)

terdistract bual bual dengan adik macam 3 minggu tak jumpa je cerita

terdistract tengok HIMYM which ada lagi 2 season lagi belum tengok

terdistract tengok Running Man lepas tu gelak bagai orang gila habis ilmu belajar

terdistract dengan katil empuk lepas tu tertidur berjam jam

terbaru

terdistract tengok jejaka kacak nyanyi bahasa Korea. 

Tak paham tak apa, asalkan nampak muka, tersengih-sengih tengok laptop sorang-sorang. Tak kira lagi head banging bila lagu rancak. Tak kira lagi meleleh leleh hati bila tarian, expression muka jejaka kacak itu sungguh sungguh sungguh menggoda. Bila tengok jam dah 3 jam dibazirkan. Dah puluh puluh video TERtengok, siap persembahan live pun satu satu kaji muka si jejaka tu. HABIS.

Tak sedar diri, ada 2 paper paling susah, paling tak paham, paling dirasakan jauh nak gapai A menunggu. Sungguh mudahnya terpengaruh. Sungguh susahnya nak dapai belajar rajin rajin.

Kejap, bila orang cakap rajin. Apa makna rajin untuk diorang? Belajar 14 jam sehari tanpa buat benda benda lain selain benda perlu buat? Ataupun belajar secara bijak dengan pandai bodek pensyarah, beriya mintak tips exam lepas tu cuma belajar untuk dapat A sahaja. Ataupun ataupun, belajar secara ikhlas dengan faham setiap yang diajar, ikhlas belajar, tapi tak kisah sangat apa result yang dapat diakhir semester?

Mungkin lepas ni kalau ada orang nasihat suruh belajar rajin rajin akan diajukan soalan ini. Biar lagi specific apa yang diorang nak dari I. Susah. Susah sebenarnya nak jadikan diri sendiri ini dalam expectation orang lain. Lagi lagi bila scope dia besar, lagi susah. Beriya kononnya tak payah keluar sepanjang musim peperiksaan, padahal kat rumah bukan I mengadap buku pun. Paling tabah I bergelumang dengan selimut tengah hari tanpa kipas. Tabah betul tidur berpanas. Tak kira tabah bersengkang mata tengok video jejaka kacak sampai Subuh lagi. Tabah betul waktu musim peperiksaan. Tabah hati, tabah perangai.

Oh, moral. Nak buat lagi susah daripada cakap. Serious. Senang je nak cakap masak sup ayam. Ambil ayam yang dipotong kecil. Bawang besar sebiji, bawang puting sebiji, halia sedikit. Campak, tumis. Masuk ayam, tumis lagi. Tambah air, letak stok ayam. Campak sayur. Tadaaa, siap. Tapi bila buat, cuci ayam, potong ayam, potong bawang, tumbuk, itu ini itu ini lepas tu baru siap. Senang lagi cakap dari buat. Nampak?

I am not complaining. But sometimes, it is tiring when someone do expect too much from me. I have my hardships which I don't think others would know. When I easily get distracted - it is not something I proud of, I hated myself for wasting my time but sometimes I just can't help it. Well, I know this feeling can't be shared, but by giving me support and giving me unstoppable motivation might help. Rather than asking me to do my best, achieve the best - what best are you expecting anyway?

But then, I am grateful to have the importunity to further my Master. I can't ask more from Allah swt nor my parent. They have given me so much that I never actually be one good servant nor a good daughter. ;'-(

& to have my sister being in the same ship as me which Master is no kidding. We shared things and talk. She is one good listener since we know how to communicate. I am blessed. 

So, it is okay to expect. But don't be too hard on people. Sebabnya stress tu something yang tak boleh tengok guna mata. Bukan macam kudis. Depression is not an easy thing especially when it affected the heart.

Sekian.

p.s: Jejaka instead of lelaki sebab they are perfect dalam dunia hiburan. Ehem. 

p.p.s: Dua paper next weekend. I repeat, WEEKEND. ;'-)

Scary

It is when you're on your way home at 1am and alone. I don't like driving alone, not to mention I actually don't like driving. Well, due to discussion, i balik lambat. And sebab penat I cuma drive 60km/h which is slow for a wide road. So I thought it is just a usual night yang I drive sambil dengar lagu fikir balik nak buat apa and all. Sampai I perasan kereta depan lagi slow dari I, so I potong dia and not even glance at the driver, not even look at the car.

But then kereta tu potong I and drive secara slow lagi depan I, so it makes me feel annoyed but as I am too tired I just changed to lane 3 and continue driving with my speed (which is 60km/h). And then I realized, everyone in the car are guys and they are looking at me - smiling. It creeps me out. Teringat la semula cerita cerita kereta dilanggar lalu dirompak and everything yang buruk buruk in my mind. Ye la, perempuan tough mana pun, they are not going to have enough strength untuk lawan a guy, apatah lagi if more than one - fragile thing we are.

So I put up some speed trying to catching up with other cars which i think i am serparated by 500m far by the other car. Surprisingly, that car is keeping up with me - by driving next to me with the same speed. You know it is scary that I am not even look at them, I just drive towards the other cars and blend in it, avoid to have empty space of my other lane. Kira macam make sure ada kereta lain cover kereta I.

Sampailah I make a turn to my residential area and that car using the other route. Barulah I rasa macam light headed, but still dalam mood berjaga-jaga until i safely arrived home. Itupun, I waited for quite some time inside the car, sampai the gate betul betul tutup and no one outside baru I keluar. Yes I am that paranoid towards the crimes. Sebab I rasa penjahat sekarang makin ganas sejuta kali compared to zaman I budak budak dulu.

I am so glad that my parent had trained me well untuk tak biasakan I keluar malam. They won't permit me if tak ada strong reason untuk keluar. They always call and check on me bila I kat luar, they even waited for me downstairs if I tak balik lagi. And that is the reason why I benci sangat keluar malam - the guilt that I have seeing them sleeping at the sofa waiting for me is beyond anything else. And then I know, they really love me. And I even more blessed now cause I have plus one person who did the same thing to me now. ;'-)

I definitely want to train my children like this. Sedangkan zaman ini pun dah risau, i can't even imagine what danger is awaiting us in future. 

Oh, to guys, janganlah buat perempuan macam itu dijalanan. Eventhough korang bergurau, it is not funny, it is creepy gila, boleh accident perempuan kalau gelabah sangat. And as for me, I may take this thing as a lesson to learn. Haruslah minta bilik daripada pejabat kolej esok. I never want to drive alone after midnight lepas ni. 

So good night!

p.s: Happy new year!