29 May 2016

Down time

Mungkin dosa kita lain-lain tapi hak apa kita ada untuk downgrade orang lain, mencemuh seperti kita sungguh bersih dari dosa. Kadang-kadang, haruslah ada rasa bersyukur sebab Allah swt banyak simpan aib kita dan dosa kita yang tak terjangkau atau mungkin kita tak pernah perasan yang kita adalah pendosa.

I have been through a lot past few months. And I gave a lot of thinking.

Kadang-kadang masalah buat kita rasa teruk dan berputus asa, tapi bila dah sampai penyelesaian satu masalah tu, kita baru perasan manisnya dugaan tu - baru nampak hikmah disebalik kesusahan tersebut. Kita akan perasan, siapa yang setia memberi sokongan malah ada yang sanggup berkorban demi memperbaiki keadaan sekeliling. Ada pula yang melatah dimakan oleh amarah hingga kadang kadang aku terfikir, adakah engkau orang yang selama ini aku kenali. Ada juga yang beraksi sungguh tidak bersalah padahal mereka adalah seperti duri didalam daging dimana aku pun tak faham apa motif menyebabkan mereka bertindak sebegitu. Mungkin, judgement aku salah, tapi dalam semua perkara yang dah terjadi. Aku cuba untuk memaafkan dan redha.

Kita tak boleh nak ubah sikap orang lain, malah bagaimana mereka berfikir ataupun apa persepsi mereka - kita tak pernah ada kuasa untuk ubah. Tapi kita berhak dan mempunyai kuasa penuh untuk merubah diri untuk jadi yang lebih baik.

Aku perasan, aku pendendam, aku pemarah, tapi bila dah tua-tua macam ni I've learn the lesson, all those negative vibes only bring you pain. Macam bergaduh melayan amarah tu sungguh meletihkan. Aku mula percaya yang penerangan tanpa pendengar yang terbuka hatinya tak akan pernah didengari. Aku percaya kata-kata yang dilemparkan semasa marah sentiasa membawa kepada lebih keburukkan dari kebaikkan. Aku percaya yang orang yang dipercayai boleh juga jadi orang yang paling bahaya untuk dipercayai. Kekecewaan demi kekecewaan dengan keadaan ini buat aku jadi redha.

Mungkin aku bukan dalam keadaan yang paling teruk ketika ini, aku punya tunangan yang memahami. Aku punya orang yang sentiasa mahukan aku hidup dalam bahagia. Aku punya adik dan keluarga yang supportive. Aku punya fikiran yang waras setelah berkali-kali dihina dan dikhianati. Aku belajar untuk bersyukur dan redha. Dan redha.

Memandangkan Ramadhan yang kian hampir, aku terdetik mungkin ini adalah batu loncatan untuk aku lebih dekat dengan Tuhan. Mungkin dugaan gila ini membuat aku tertampar dan sedar yang Dia sahaja yang mampu merubah hati manusia,

Another Ramadhan di perantauan. Another first day Ramadan without good company.

24 May 2016

I lost track of time. I lost my working impact. I don't know what I want.

Can I just not doing anything until weekend?

18 May 2016

Learning Process

When I was 27, I've made a terrible mistake. I am in relationship and I was blindfolded by jealousy and over thinking. I was so confident that I would survive without my man. And we broke up. After few days of thinking, I realize whatever I thought I am right whatever feelings that I have during the breaking up process is a mistake. And we are both giving up on each others.

Without clear explanations makes me jump to my own imagination.
Arguments over arguments makes us forgot the sweetness of being in love.
Jealousy is a trust issue which it kills relationship.
Over thinking worsen things up.
We both gave up on us.

Over months I tried to not thinking about it. It was hard. It is hard to move on when you actually not letting it go. I rebel. I have these feelings that I deserve someone better. He is another bullshit. But over the time (seriously it is not a short time) - we are healing. I did cry. And sometimes being super emotional by calling him and blame him for everything - it was stupid.

We still keep in touch as a friend. And whenever I am being super emotional - trust me he definitely ignoring me. In a way it helps me to finally realize - arguments brings nothing. Pointing out mistakes was a waste of time. What past is past and we shall focusing of how to make things better.

People keep asking, why I keep holding on to him What speciality he have that makes me adoring him so much. Honestly, he might be not as good looking as my ex-es or being so romantic and loving. But for what I know, he makes me in control, he makes me - ME.

I tried to be with another guy during the breaking up phases, but it is not the same. It don't feel right. Plus, it is more worth it to put an effort on fixing my relationship rather than start a new one with some one new. We stayed to be friend over the time and without us realizing it, we're in love back. And surprisingly the bond between us is stronger. None of us is talking about this anymore as we moved on from that phase. 

It is funny, how our downfall makes us stronger.
The mistakes that I did when I was young makes me tougher and wiser.
My learning process is hard but I've survived.

It wasn't easy. I cried for so many times. I am being emotional and acted crazy. Time is a healing machine. To go back to your Creator is another thing, I don't know how many Ishtikarah and Hajat that I've done during that time. It helps. 

Forgiving means nothing if you not letting it go with your open heart. We may forgive but are you tough enough to forget?

17 May 2016

Being emotional

The moment I realized that you betrayed me, that is the moment I stop talking.

I am a very personal person, I hardly share my personal life with others. But when I started to trust someone, I tend to tell every details of my life. Which, whenever they broke my trust, it took a long time to heal again. But this time I taste betrayal and I doubt I can be normal anymore.

Fakers gonna fake fake fake.

I wonder how people dealing with trust issues without making any drama. I am the type of person who speak out what I think, but over the time after many episodes of drama - I finally realize, silent is the best problem solving. And to forgive and let is pass. To have grudge on someone, to keep replaying the unpleasant moments and to hold back the feelings, it go nowhere. It just bring another hatred in life.

Thank God, I have my partner to share our opinion, my family as my backbones and few close friends that always be by my side. 

p.s: Miss me?

16 May 2016


Beyonce never fail being bold and inspirational.