18 May 2016

Learning Process

When I was 27, I've made a terrible mistake. I am in relationship and I was blindfolded by jealousy and over thinking. I was so confident that I would survive without my man. And we broke up. After few days of thinking, I realize whatever I thought I am right whatever feelings that I have during the breaking up process is a mistake. And we are both giving up on each others.

Without clear explanations makes me jump to my own imagination.
Arguments over arguments makes us forgot the sweetness of being in love.
Jealousy is a trust issue which it kills relationship.
Over thinking worsen things up.
We both gave up on us.

Over months I tried to not thinking about it. It was hard. It is hard to move on when you actually not letting it go. I rebel. I have these feelings that I deserve someone better. He is another bullshit. But over the time (seriously it is not a short time) - we are healing. I did cry. And sometimes being super emotional by calling him and blame him for everything - it was stupid.

We still keep in touch as a friend. And whenever I am being super emotional - trust me he definitely ignoring me. In a way it helps me to finally realize - arguments brings nothing. Pointing out mistakes was a waste of time. What past is past and we shall focusing of how to make things better.

People keep asking, why I keep holding on to him What speciality he have that makes me adoring him so much. Honestly, he might be not as good looking as my ex-es or being so romantic and loving. But for what I know, he makes me in control, he makes me - ME.

I tried to be with another guy during the breaking up phases, but it is not the same. It don't feel right. Plus, it is more worth it to put an effort on fixing my relationship rather than start a new one with some one new. We stayed to be friend over the time and without us realizing it, we're in love back. And surprisingly the bond between us is stronger. None of us is talking about this anymore as we moved on from that phase. 

It is funny, how our downfall makes us stronger.
The mistakes that I did when I was young makes me tougher and wiser.
My learning process is hard but I've survived.

It wasn't easy. I cried for so many times. I am being emotional and acted crazy. Time is a healing machine. To go back to your Creator is another thing, I don't know how many Ishtikarah and Hajat that I've done during that time. It helps. 

Forgiving means nothing if you not letting it go with your open heart. We may forgive but are you tough enough to forget?