22 January 2013

#220113

Due to finals and the stress along my projects and assignment, I have acted irrationally which the consequences affected me and those who are close to me.


Somehow during my downfall, I realized that there are always few person that is actually there for me. And more importantly He always there. I can't believe myself, why I always forgot that actually He is always there knows what actually deep in my heart. Why I always forget to appreciate and being grateful with this life?


So I may conclude that everything that I have now is something I borrowed from Him. Somehow, this irrational act of mine make me realized everything. It seems like a wake up call to me. And In Shaa Allah I will take this positively trying to be more wiser in future. Rather than based on my emotion status.


And finally, I am done with my first semester. Which I honestly appreciate each and every knowledge that I've gained here. Include friends who always helped me with the assignments and my studies. With Allah's will, I will perform better for my second semester. I will make sure I will graduating this year along with my dear friend Azizul. It is such a coincident that we apply for master at the same year - or maybe He already knew that I won't survive alone so He prepared me a very good friend with me. Why not to love my life?


During this 3 weeks of no class and no other commitments, I've decided to stay home do some reading, enjoying drama with mom and maybe an activities that I will named as #yamchatime! Which it will be started today. Oh not to forget, my operation to gain weight and have a healthy life style. Best of luck miss, very best of luck.


Till then, Assalammualaikum.

12 January 2013

Cakap vs Buat

Sebab cakap mudah kalau dibandingkan dengan buat.


Sebab kena faham konsep, fikir dulu sebelum cakap. Ramai pesan, belajar rajin-rajin sebab setahun je sambung Master ni, main-main tolak tepi jauh-jauh, fokus jangan main. Tapi, percaya tak, nak dapatkan sehari atau mungkin 8 jam berkesan tanpa main main adalah payah. 

Terdistract kena panggil makan,
terdistract tengok instagram (padahal dah beriya deactivate twitter dengan facebook)
terdistract bual bual dengan adik macam 3 minggu tak jumpa je cerita
terdistract tengok HIMYM which ada lagi 2 season lagi belum tengok
terdistract tengok Running Man lepas tu gelak bagai orang gila habis ilmu belajar
terdistract dengan katil empuk lepas tu tertidur berjam jam

terbaru

terdistract tengok jejaka kacak nyanyi bahasa Korea. 
Tak paham tak apa, asalkan nampak muka, tersengih-sengih tengok laptop sorang-sorang. Tak kira lagi head banging bila lagu rancak. Tak kira lagi meleleh leleh hati bila tarian, expression muka jejaka kacak itu sungguh sungguh sungguh menggoda. Bila tengok jam dah 3 jam dibazirkan. Dah puluh puluh video TERtengok, siap persembahan live pun satu satu kaji muka si jejaka tu. HABIS.


Tak sedar diri, ada 2 paper paling susah, paling tak paham, paling dirasakan jauh nak gapai A menunggu. Sungguh mudahnya terpengaruh. Sungguh susahnya nak dapai belajar rajin rajin.


Kejap, bila orang cakap rajin. Apa makna rajin untuk diorang? Belajar 14 jam sehari tanpa buat benda benda lain selain benda perlu buat? Ataupun belajar secara bijak dengan pandai bodek pensyarah, beriya mintak tips exam lepas tu cuma belajar untuk dapat A sahaja. Ataupun ataupun, belajar secara ikhlas dengan faham setiap yang diajar, ikhlas belajar, tapi tak kisah sangat apa result yang dapat diakhir semester?


Mungkin lepas ni kalau ada orang nasihat suruh belajar rajin rajin akan diajukan soalan ini. Biar lagi specific apa yang diorang nak dari I. Susah. Susah sebenarnya nak jadikan diri sendiri ini dalam expectation orang lain. Lagi lagi bila scope dia besar, lagi susah. Beriya kononnya tak payah keluar sepanjang musim peperiksaan, padahal kat rumah bukan I mengadap buku pun. Paling tabah I bergelumang dengan selimut tengah hari tanpa kipas. Tabah betul tidur berpanas. Tak kira tabah bersengkang mata tengok video jejaka kacak sampai Subuh lagi. Tabah betul waktu musim peperiksaan. Tabah hati, tabah perangai.


Oh, moral. Nak buat lagi susah daripada cakap. Serious. Senang je nak cakap masak sup ayam. Ambil ayam yang dipotong kecil. Bawang besar sebiji, bawang puting sebiji, halia sedikit. Campak, tumis. Masuk ayam, tumis lagi. Tambah air, letak stok ayam. Campak sayur. Tadaaa, siap. Tapi bila buat, cuci ayam, potong ayam, potong bawang, tumbuk, itu ini itu ini lepas tu baru siap. Senang lagi cakap dari buat. Nampak?


I am not complaining. But sometimes, it is tiring when someone do expect too much from me. I have my hardships which I don't think others would know. When I easily get distracted - it is not something I proud of, I hated myself for wasting my time but sometimes I just can't help it. Well, I know this feeling can't be shared, but by giving me support and giving me unstoppable motivation might help. Rather than asking me to do my best, achieve the best - what best are you expecting anyway?


But then, I am grateful to have the importunity to further my Master. I can't ask more from Allah swt nor my parent. They have given me so much that I never actually be one good servant nor a good daughter. ;'-(
& to have my sister being in the same ship as me which Master is no kidding. We shared things and talk. She is one good listener since we know how to communicate. I am blessed. 


So, it is okay to expect. But don't be too hard on people. Sebabnya stress tu something yang tak boleh tengok guna mata. Bukan macam kudis. Depression is not an easy thing especially when it affected the heart.


Sekian.


p.s: Jejaka instead of lelaki sebab they are perfect dalam dunia hiburan. Ehem. 
p.p.s: Dua paper next weekend. I repeat, WEEKEND. ;'-)

03 January 2013

Scary

It is when you're on your way home at 1am and alone. I don't like driving alone, not to mention I actually don't like driving. Well, due to discussion, i balik lambat. And sebab penat I cuma drive 60km/h which is slow for a wide road. So I thought it is just a usual night yang I drive sambil dengar lagu fikir balik nak buat apa and all. Sampai I perasan kereta depan lagi slow dari I, so I potong dia and not even glance at the driver, not even look at the car.


But then kereta tu potong I and drive secara slow lagi depan I, so it makes me feel annoyed but as I am too tired I just changed to lane 3 and continue driving with my speed (which is 60km/h). And then I realized, everyone in the car are guys and they are looking at me - smiling. It creeps me out. Teringat la semula cerita cerita kereta dilanggar lalu dirompak and everything yang buruk buruk in my mind. Ye la, perempuan tough mana pun, they are not going to have enough strength untuk lawan a guy, apatah lagi if more than one - fragile thing we are.


So I put up some speed trying to catching up with other cars which i think i am serparated by 500m far by the other car. Surprisingly, that car is keeping up with me - by driving next to me with the same speed. You know it is scary that I am not even look at them, I just drive towards the other cars and blend in it, avoid to have empty space of my other lane. Kira macam make sure ada kereta lain cover kereta I.


Sampailah I make a turn to my residential area and that car using the other route. Barulah I rasa macam light headed, but still dalam mood berjaga-jaga until i safely arrived home. Itupun, I waited for quite some time inside the car, sampai the gate betul betul tutup and no one outside baru I keluar. Yes I am that paranoid towards the crimes. Sebab I rasa penjahat sekarang makin ganas sejuta kali compared to zaman I budak budak dulu.


I am so glad that my parent had trained me well untuk tak biasakan I keluar malam. They won't permit me if tak ada strong reason untuk keluar. They always call and check on me bila I kat luar, they even waited for me downstairs if I tak balik lagi. And that is the reason why I benci sangat keluar malam - the guilt that I have seeing them sleeping at the sofa waiting for me is beyond anything else. And then I know, they really love me. And I even more blessed now cause I have plus one person who did the same thing to me now. ;'-)

I definitely want to train my children like this. Sedangkan zaman ini pun dah risau, i can't even imagine what danger is awaiting us in future. 


Oh, to guys, janganlah buat perempuan macam itu dijalanan. Eventhough korang bergurau, it is not funny, it is creepy gila, boleh accident perempuan kalau gelabah sangat. And as for me, I may take this thing as a lesson to learn. Haruslah minta bilik daripada pejabat kolej esok. I never want to drive alone after midnight lepas ni. 


So good night!



p.s: Happy new year!